Is Forgiveness the Bible’s Most Controversial Teaching?
by Scott Savage
Several years ago, I led a series on the subject of forgiveness with college students. Every person in the discussion group became “passionately engaged” in our conversation. And some of them were not happy with what they were hearing.
As I began to reflect on past teachings on forgiveness, I re-encountered a lot of inaccuracy around the subject. Here are nine myths I’ve identified — and the truths you can replace them with so you can be set free from bitterness.
Myth: Forgiveness is about the other person.
Truth: Forgiveness is about you. Refusing to forgive someone else is like drinking rat poison and expecting the rat to die. Truthfully, forgiveness is about you — the wounded person — moving on from the offense and living in freedom.
Myth: If you forgive someone, you should forget it ever happened.
Truth: Forgiveness and forgetting are two very different things. You cannot make yourself forget something, especially a deep wound. Forgiving is something we must do for our own health and well-being. Forgetting is something separate and different.
Myth: I can forgive while still secretly living in bondage to regret and shame.
Truth: Our ability to give forgiveness is connected to the depth of forgiveness we’ve received. Scripture constantly reiterates one message — forgiven people can forgive. If we want to experience the freedom that comes from forgiving someone else, we need to experience the forgiveness God wants to introduce into our lives.
Myth: The people in the Bible didn’t need a lot of forgiveness.
Truth: The people in the Bible are as dysfunctional as we are. Moses was a murderer, David too. The Apostle Paul was a mass murderer and persecutor of Christians. Our favorite Bible characters are often the people most in need of forgiveness.
Myth: Forgiveness is a decision, an act of the will.
Truth: Forgiveness is a decision and a process. While we may have decisive moments of letting go, it is in the processing of letting go again and again that we experience the full magnitude of forgiveness. We decide to do it — and we do that again and again.
Myth: Refusing to forgive shows I value accountability.
Truth: Refusing to forgive can mean you’re lusting for revenge and struggling to trust God to do the best thing. Forgiveness is giving up my pursuit of revenge and trusting God to bring justice. As a follower of Jesus, I lay down my “right” to revenge.
Myth: Forgiveness and reconciliation are the same thing.
Truth: Forgiveness and reconciliation are very different things. Reconciliation can take time — a long time. And sometimes reconciliation doesn’t always work out, such as in cases of abuse where you are not safe. Being divorced from this truth has led many people into dangerous and unhealthy situations.
Myth: I need to tell the person I forgave them.
Truth: You don’t necessarily need to tell them you forgave them. You can forgive someone without ever telling them, because forgiveness is about your freedom, not about theirs.
Myth: Forgiveness is something I can do on my own.
Truth: We need help processing the pain and letting go. The hardest things in life are often things we do not do alone. For many of us, we’ve tried forgiving and we haven’t made progress. Forgiveness is ultimately about God opening our eyes to what we are blind to.
Each of us has wounded others and been deeply wounded ourselves. We’ve all needed forgiveness and needed to forgive someone else. If you find that you have someone to forgive, today’s a good day to start.