Making Amends

See Conflict as an Opportunity

Conflict is not necessarily bad or destructive. Even when conflict is caused by sin and causes a great deal of stress, God can use it for good (Romans 8:28–29). As the Apostle Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 10:31–11:1, conflict actually provides three significant opportunities. By God’s grace, you can use conflict to:

• Glorify God by trusting, obeying, and imitating Him.
• Serve other people by helping to bear their burdens or by confronting them in love.
• Grow to be like Christ by confessing sin and turning from attitudes that promote conflict.

When the Apostle Paul urged the Corinthians to live “to the glory of God,” he was not talking about one hour on Sunday morning. He wanted them to show God honor and bring Him praise in day-to-day life, especially by the way they resolved personal conflicts (1 Corinthians 10:31). One of the best ways to keep these concerns uppermost in your mind is to regularly ask yourself: “How can I please and honor the Lord in this situation?”

Get the Log Out of Your Own Eye

The most challenging part of peacemaking is set forth in Matthew 7:5, where Jesus admonishes us to “first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”

There are generally two kinds of logs to look for: your own attitudes and biases, and actual sinful words and actions. The Bible teaches that conflict comes from the “desires at war within you” (James 4:1–3). Any time you become excessively preoccupied with something — even a good thing — and seek happiness, security, or fulfillment in it rather than in God, you are guilty of idolatry, which inevitably leads to conflict.

A Seven-Step Process

1. Ask the Lord and others for help with self-awareness (1 John 1:8). Ask God to search your heart (Psalm 139:23–24).
2. Address everyone involved as soon as possible (Matthew 5:23–24).
3. Avoid “if, but, and maybe.” Be specific, without excuses (Luke 15:17–24).
4. Apologize. Express sorrow for how you affected someone (Luke 15:21).
5. Ask for forgiveness (Proverbs 28:13).
6. Accept the consequences (Luke 19:1–9).
7. Alter your behavior. Commit to changing harmful habits (Ephesians 4:22–32).

The PAUSE Principle for Negotiation

A biblical approach to negotiation can be summarized in five steps:

• Prepare — pray, get the facts, seek godly counsel, develop options.
• Affirm relationships — show genuine concern and respect for others.
• Understand interests — identify others’ concerns, desires, needs, limitations, and fears.
• Search for creative solutions through prayerful brainstorming.
• Evaluate options objectively and reasonably.

One of the unique features of biblical peacemaking is the pursuit of genuine forgiveness and reconciliation. “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:12–14)