The Paradox of Loneliness

The more that people know of you, the less that people can know you.

by Katelyn Beaty

The first time I felt heartsick over a celebrity’s death was in 2014. The headline read, “Philip Seymour Hoffman, Actor of Depth, Dies at 46.” Little about Hoffman’s final days was known, but it seemed bleak, stemming from his struggles with addiction, something he spoke openly about.

After his death, a friend observed, “[Hoffman] carried an unearned burden of shame. He was private, but he played those characters so well because he knew something about guilt and shame and suffering.” In 2005, Hoffman said, “No one knows me. No one understands me. That’s the other thing that changes as you get older. It’s like everybody understands you. But no one understands me.”

One common theme of superstardom is the paradox of loneliness: that the more that people know of you, the less that people can know you. Many celebrities say they keep their inner circle very small for fear of being stalked, harassed, or used by hangers-on.

In a 2009 study of American celebrities, psychologist Donna Rockwell found that celebrity status results in a kind of death — an “irreversible existential alteration” that includes loss of privacy and freedom to go about life with anonymity. The famous, she found, are alone on the “island of recognition,” where they find “a loneliness that happens because you are separate.”

Many famous people cope by using what Rockwell calls “character-splitting.” They craft a “celebrity entity,” a presentation of the self, while the true self is hidden away, shown only to trusted friends and family. Character splitting leaves room for a divided self — a lack of integrity. Integrity means integration, but many celebrities feel divided from within.

Another word for this public-facing “celebrity entity” is “persona.” Twentieth-century philosopher Hannah Arendt believed that our persona is necessary for fulfilling our responsibilities in the world. But it’s not ultimate. She looked forward to a day when she could exist in her “naked thisness” — not seduced by the great temptation of recognition. This “naked thisness” is our true self — the self who is created, held, and sustained by the living God, compared with the false self of ego, hustle, and image management.

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” — Galatians 1:10

“The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.” — Proverbs 11:3

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.” — 1 Peter 4:8-9